Far be it from me not to laugh at everyone displaying their personality disorders on the Internet. I’m willing to point and laugh at attention seeking nutjobs just as much as the next guy. It seems like for many people, the camera on their MacBook is a great substitute for their shrink’s couch. But, it gets a little depressing when the kook in question is a kid. Take the ranting gooneybird in question below, and his 15 minute thesis on why “Dubstep Sucks.” He has this special type of snotty, cocksure, know-it-all attitude that is sorta unique to precocious teenagers; the assuredness that comes from having figured out the world by the age of 15 and wondering why everyone else is so goddamn stupid. Of course, like most 15 year olds, he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow. For example, he cites Maroon 5 as an example of GOOD music. So, dubstep = bad. Maroon 5 = good. With aesthetics like that, you know the video is gonna be good.
The gems come fast and furious from this crazy little twerp’s mouth:
“I HAVE SUFFERED ALOT TO WRITE SONGS FOR THESE GUYS AND THEY ARE GOING TO COMPLETELY BLOW IT OFF TO WRITE DUBSTEP.” “I ALSO HEAR IF YOU DON’T LIKE DUBSTEP YOU’RE GAY OR SOMETHING?” “THEY”RE LOOKING FOR BIG, EPIC, TECHNO MUSIC THAT YOU DO WITH A COMPUTER.” “IT’S POINTLESS BECAUSE THERE’S NO LYRICS. THERE’S NO LYRICS, THEN WHAT’S IT ABOUT?”
and my favorite :”DIRTY BASS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THE ‘DROP’? WHAT’S SO EPIC ABOUT THE “DROP?”
At 13:30, he goes off the deep end. Watch the way his jaw twitches when he says “…kill my girlfriend, kill my dog…” Serious spazz rage on display right there. That’s where I started to feel really sorry for him and kinda worried for everyone around him. But, hey, at least he has a girlfriend, which is not what I would have guessed for a kid that goofy. But, maybe he was speaking poetically or something…
Second on my playlist of borderline headcases is The Food Reviewer. He is rightly more famous (in the internet sense of the word) than the dubstep hating guy. The Food Reviewer is an overweight teenager who reviews some of the shittiest processed food available. He is from Boston, which I was able to sleuth out from the following things.
1) the MBTA logo painted on the walls of his room (he is probably a train buff, which is a hobby that definitely has tinges of Asperger’s)
2) the way he pronounces “pop corn” like “pup corn”
3) the amount of Papa Gino’s products he reviews.
4) when he refers to the Pizza Rolls he just bit into “wicked hot.”
There is something extremely morbid and sad about watching a grossly overweight acne-faced kid eat crap like Fruit Gushers, Pizza Rolls, Pop Tarts, Cool Ranch Doritos, Marshmallow Peeps (even HE knows they’re gross!), and Oreo Fudge Cremes. The only things he review that could even loosely be characterized as “food” would be frozen pizzas and chicken fingers. The fact that he is so fat at such a young age and eating all this junk food is really sad. It makes you sort of wonder where his parents are. A part of me wants to think he lives a sort of Beavis and Butthead existance where he magically lives in a house, but there are never any parents there.
The thing that makes the reviews entertaining is how weird he is. His qualifiers for what is “good” and “bad” when it comes to food are totally insane, and not just because he is eating the lowest quality trash available on the supermarket shelf. He will like and dislike the same food product in the course of 20 seconds, calling something “nasty” and then following it up with “It’s OK” about 10 seconds later. He will say pepperoni has “no taste.” Watching him trying to describe the texture of Smart Food popcorn is something that should be screened in Abnormal Psych. classes. His complete inability to describe food (or sometimes to even taste it all) reminds me of Dudley from the Royal Tennenbaums. Some sort of wires are crossed in this kid’s head
For someone who’s really fat, and clearly eats alot, he doesn’t seem to enjoy most of the food he eats.
In his earlier reviews, he is recognizably a kid, with a high voice. Now, he is turning into a big, fat, puberty monster and I definitely do not look forward to seeing what sort of ogre is going to be reviewing Burger King Onion Rings and Fudge Stripe Cookies in the year 2015. It is sad that he doesn’t seem to enjoy much of the food he reviews (Fruit Gushers and Diet Coke were two notably exceptions. He loved them). Maybe he has never tasted a vegetable (judging from what he has reviewed, one could make that assumption) and some day he’ll review a crudité platter and we’ll see a video of him raving about how delicious a nice slice of bell pepper dipped in hummus is. I mean, if all you are putting into your mouth is Lil’ Debbie’s Chocolate Covered Donuts and Chips Ahoy, there is probably a large portion of your taste buds that are going unused. Do BBQ Potato Chips stimulate one’s umami receptors? Can someone take him to an Isan Thai restaurant so we can watch his world go from B&W into Technicolor?
Though the one time he reviews something remotely healthy, a Buddy Fruit snack, he spits it out like it like it was Kryptonite and is almost gagging. It would be comical if it wasn’t so sad.
But, don’t feel bad for him, he may be taking a few weeks off his life with every video he posts, but he is also making that Youtube Partner Program money. His videos all have annoying ads on them, so maybe that fat little bastard is laughing all the way to the bank. He’s got to be making more money than my fit 13 year old self made with my paper route.